He didn't get where he is today by stealing somebody else's catchphrase.


As I jogged along on the treadmill at the gym tonight, I discovered a new form of rage - it's called X-Factor Rage. Forget road-rage and office-rage - this is the new one. It'll be all the rage, believe me, because if you've got any sense, you'll condone it.

It all started as I started running. No - it wasn't my aversion to exercise, but more the fact that X-Factor was on the telly in front of me. As luck would have it, I had some music with me so I could shut out the audio, but unfortunately I still had to put up with the sight of the smug judges. I guess you can't have it all - I've been praying to see Simon Cowell destitute and asking me for some spare change for ages.

After what seemed only a few minutes, various people appeared on the screen, mostly in tears. I assume that this was because they were sad fuckwits with a deluded sense of talent, but the sight of eyes welling up continued - and it seemed relentless. After fifteen minutes, even Dani Minogue was doing it. I was hoping that Sharon Osbourne had been killed in a freak hairdressing accident, but no. On and on it went.

And it was starting to piss me off.

The unfortunate thing about running on a treadmill is that with a screen directly in front of you, it's hard to avert your eyes - a bit like A Clockwork Orange and after twenty minutes or so, I was starting to have enough. The blubbing continued. Perhaps they'd told the entire line-up of contestants that they should lose the will to live? I had no idea.

And then, for some reason, after about twenty-five minutes of running, I'd had enough. I'd not run far enough in my session, but I didn't care - I quit and went for a swim, not because I couldn't complete the distance, but because I couldn't cope with the onslaught of bleating tossers. In my head, I'd been wanting to shout, "PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER!", but had showed exceptional self-restraint. Escape was the only option.

On the plus side, if it's like that every week it'll probably get taken off the air. Even the great British public will get bored at some point.
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