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He didn't get where he is today by stealing somebody else's catchphrase.

Go on, prove me wrong.

Not so long ago, on a dull night when we couldn't be bothered to wait a few hours to watch a film in the cinema, we sought instant celluloid gratification in our local DVD emporium. Now I generally have something of a downer on video-hire places. This is because generally, anything I want to see, I'll see at the cinema. Films in hire-shops generally fall into two categories:

- The ones I've seen (because I've seen them in the cinema and they were good).
- The ones I've not (because it used the man with the gravel-esque voice for the trailer)

It's a well known fact that if the gravel-man is used for a movie trailer, the film is bound to be crap.

I'm awful when it comes to picking films in DVD places - I'm intolerably picky. It's rare that a good film comes along and I don't go out and see in the cinema. With Orange Wednesdays around, it's cheaper per person than renting a DVD. I therefore see the local branch of Choices to be more like last chicken in the shop. I live in the hope that I'll be proved wrong one day.

Browsing the shelf, we stumble upon The Great Ecstasy of Robert Carmichael, allegedly Canne nominated and touting lots of awards stuff that's not Oscar/Bafta related. Curious at such an endorsement, we give it a go.

However, let my experience serve as a lesson to you. Don't watch it. Yes, you heard me correctly. Avoid it. You won't just be disappointed, you'll be appalled too. I'm not going to get all Daily Mail on this film and endorse censorship, but I just think you've probably got better things to do with two hours of your life. Of course, I've told you nothing about the film - and I shall leave it at that. In fact, I'm going to give you six words on the matter - barely enough for a haiku.

- Pedestrian plot.
- Wooden acting.
- Gratuitously violent.

It is not, as FilmFour says, an indictment on British foreign policy. It's just shit.

In the meantime, I'm still looking for the film that will change my opinion of rental-stores. If you're after a film that cleverly uses violence, has good acting and keeps you guessing, you could do a lot worse than Hard Candy.

For those who are persistent and want to know about the film that robbed me of an enjoyable evening, have a look at it's entry on the IMDB. I am not alone in my thinking. Unlike some crack-addled Cannes critics, I know a pretentious pile of garbage when I see it.
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