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He didn't get where he is today by stealing somebody else's catchphrase.

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It's November, chaps - and it might have crossed your mind that Christmas is coming soon, which invariably doesn't bring us to discussions about the son of Christ, peace and goodwill to all men, but to good old consumerism and gift ideas. Huzzah!

I've been asked by a few people about what I want for Christmas, which this year, like many other years has been a quandary that has made me scratch my head. I would have been perfectly happy with a satsuma, a lump of coal and a copy of the 1976 Whizzer and Chips annual, but no, not this year - I've decided what I really want.

  • If you can gift wrap me a contract killing - superb.
  • If you can gift wrap me a contract killing of any D-list "celebrity" of my choice - splendifferous.
  • But if you can sod the gift-wrapping and bring me the severed head of Linda Barker on the end of a spear, fan-fucking-tastic!

This woman is pure evil. Her viciousness knows no bounds. In two months time, I shall have been television-less for a whole year - a marvellous thing. I have largely avoided her Changing Rooms, Changing Gardens and Changing Clothes in Bombay. However, it seems that her irritating mug has invaded cinemacommercialand, in the form of the latest DFS adverts. I feel a strongly italic letter coming on.

Dear Messrs Pearl & Dean,

I feel I must strongly complain - your lack of taste and discretion has resulted in me vomiting into my popcorn.

Yours sincerely,

Disgusted of Devon.


Sofas, by top-designers. Bolllucks. Is she a "top-designer"? Is she, my arse. Has she won awards for her work? No. Has she been given a knighthood for her home improvement endeavours? I don't bloody think so.

Take a long look at this photograph - you all have about seven weeks to make a man who historically loathes Christmas believe again....
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