He didn't get where he is today by stealing somebody else's catchphrase.

A public information announcement

In times gone by, it was said that to put the younger generation off smoking, the man of the house would buy the youngster a pack of twenty lung-destroyers, probably Capstan Full-Strength. Junior would then have to smoke them in a single session. The ensuing smelliness and nausea that would prevail would be quite sufficient to put them off a career of nicotine addiction for life.

I had a similar experience. I was thirteen and it was during a double period of Domestic Science (cooking, to the rest of us). I’ll never forget my first taste of Danish Blue. It was like someone had stuck a lump of cat shit in my mouth and the urge to expel it was overwhelming. I ejected the blue veiny turd into the bin and ran for a glass of water to clear the taste.

Well done, Mrs Picot - your foresight kept me from a life in the gutter. I’ve stayed on the strait and narrow and haven’t since dabbled with the evil that is the mouldy milk product we call cheese.

Of course, that’s not to say that my friends and family haven’t met the same fate. There are many other mouldy dairy-based drugs around and some of my nearest and dearest have been depraved enough to try them all. Mozzarella and Cheddar are nothing - they’re the alcohol and nicotine of the fromage world. I’m talking about Stilton, Brie and Roulé. Users should be slowly weaned off on methadone-laced dairylea slices until they’re clean.

Cheese-use is endemic in our society. Let’s face it, we’ve all been to a party or meal where there’s been a cluster of cheese-users in the corner, indulging in their habit. There they are, shooting up a cocktail of goats-jizz on a selection from the cracker barrel. You look at them, in obvious disgust and they turn to you, arms outstretched with a Ritz, curly-knife and a Babybel as they say…..

“Go on, try some, it’s really good stuff.”

Don’t do a Zammo and mix with the wrong people. Just say,“no”.

It’s a well-known fact that Emmental and Gouda are gateway-cheeses. They lead on to stronger, more depraved substances. Indeed, just a day or two ago, my family were given a four-pack of Dutch Goats Cheese. We know what else goes on in Holland, thank-you, so I’ve destroyed it for their own good. They’ll thank me when they’re older.

If you don’t refuse the offer, all sorts of bad things will happen to you. It’s a slippery slope of despair, mould and self-abuse. You might think you can handle a Jacob’s cracker and Brie now, but before you know it, you’ll be shooting up with fondue straight into your groin. When you’re living a life of petty theft to feed your Camembert habit, you’ll look back on this and say, “Mr Dalliard, you were right.”.

Be careful what parties you go to tonight and have a great, mould-free 2012.
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