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Surviving the World Cup

In just under two weeks time, most of the world will be tuning in to one month of intolerable shite called The World Cup. The populace will eat football, sleep football, drink football and quite probably, vomit football. It's a well known fact that vomit is contagious purely by smell alone, so therefore it's a damn good reason that you get out of the way and seal yourself off from the outside world, lest you get sucked in to repeated talk of In-guh-lund, along with developing a good honest bout of xenophobia. Here are a few handy hints to help you avoid the sight of astroturf and Italian men falling over.

Firstly - get rid of your television. Not only will you save yourself from having to watch pundits talk of "precocious talent", but you'll save yourself a licence fee, along with sufficient electricity to light your house and probably run your fridge for several months. If you don't want to sell it, the alternative is switching channels to QVC and burning the remote - after watching some bint sell yet another gold chain for the third day running, your brain will melt and you will no longer care.

Secondly - change jobs or shifts. Luckily the matches are in Germany, time difference of just one hour. This means that if you can work during unsociable hours (such as overnight), you'll be asleep when all the action is taking place. Marvellous. Then when you are awake, all the football fans will be so inebriated and asleep. Along with avoiding the oranges at half-time, you'll also be able to achieve lots of wonderful things, because nobody else will be around to distract you.


Don't read any newspapers. It's a well-known fact that all world disasters stop for the tournament period, so there'll be nothing to read, anyway.

Don't go down the pub. That's just silly. Stock up the fridge. You can afford to - you've just saved money in step 1.

If you must be entertained in some way, go to the cinema - you can be sure of a seat during match times. In fact, you'll probably have the auditorium to yourself.

Good luck... and I'll see when things return to normal on the 10th of July, when everyone will think that Sven Goran Wotsit is the spawn of the devil and no doubt, we'll have hyped ourselves up such that we face inevitable disappointment by losing against South Korea after we squeak through to the quarter finals.
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