He didn't get where he is today by stealing somebody else's catchphrase.

Flogging a dead horse

Retail chains come and go. This one should go - and go now. I’m looking at you, PC World... Read More...

My New Motto

A couple of days ago, my partner mentioned a phrase to me. It's stuck in my head ever since. It's stuck there becuase it's so very true.

"No good turn goes unpunished."

Hell, yeah.

It's been shit recently - going that little bit extra for someone has generally been a pointless exercise that's been taken for granted and inevitably has come back to bite me on the backside. As a consequence, I am currently resenting any form of generosity.

I now have the phrase printed in a couple strategic places, so that I'm reminded not to be so daft and start learning the art of saying "no".

I'll stop there, before I go into a fully-fledged rant.

Some links that illustrate my point: One, two, three, four.


Blatantly obvious alert: There are 364 other days in the year that allow you to show appreciation of your partner. Do it.

Banging Against A Wall

As like most people, I've got more than one e-mail address. Usually this is so that people who I know can actually e-mail me without problem, whilst all the spam/crap gets diverted elsewhere. For about the last three weeks, one of these has been dropping into my mailbox, probably at the rate of one every 12 hours or so:

Not annoying at all.

What sort of complete retard thinks,"well, I've had 20 e-mails from Barclays, asking me to confirm my bank details - and here's number 21, so I think I'll go do that now."?


Annoying snippy-snippy woman.

It's November, chaps - and it might have crossed your mind that Christmas is coming soon, which invariably doesn't bring us to discussions about the son of Christ, peace and goodwill to all men, but to good old consumerism and gift ideas. Huzzah!

I've been asked by a few people about what I want for Christmas, which this year, like many other years has been a quandary that has made me scratch my head. I would have been perfectly happy with a satsuma, a lump of coal and a copy of the 1976 Whizzer and Chips annual, but no, not this year - I've decided what I really want.

  • If you can gift wrap me a contract killing - superb.
  • If you can gift wrap me a contract killing of any D-list "celebrity" of my choice - splendifferous.
  • But if you can sod the gift-wrapping and bring me the severed head of Linda Barker on the end of a spear, fan-fucking-tastic!

This woman is pure evil. Her viciousness knows no bounds. In two months time, I shall have been television-less for a whole year - a marvellous thing. I have largely avoided her Changing Rooms, Changing Gardens and Changing Clothes in Bombay. However, it seems that her irritating mug has invaded cinemacommercialand, in the form of the latest DFS adverts. I feel a strongly italic letter coming on.

Dear Messrs Pearl & Dean,

I feel I must strongly complain - your lack of taste and discretion has resulted in me vomiting into my popcorn.

Yours sincerely,

Disgusted of Devon.

Sofas, by top-designers. Bolllucks. Is she a "top-designer"? Is she, my arse. Has she won awards for her work? No. Has she been given a knighthood for her home improvement endeavours? I don't bloody think so.

Take a long look at this photograph - you all have about seven weeks to make a man who historically loathes Christmas believe again....